Dissociation
by Crazynumnums
Summary: Adam Jackson has finally returned, after so long. And he's attempted to end his own life, leading to feelings of guilt and sorrow for Spencer. He and JJ take a break to visit Texas and Adam, and try to understand what happened. \ Rated 'M' for my own paranoia, and only really JJ/Reid if you squint. Based on Season 4, Episode 20 - 'Conflicted'


"Are you okay, Spencer?"

JJ confronted Spencer after a particularly boring, administration based day, the sort of day that Spencer would have thrived in. But the bags under his eyes and the way he avoided talking to his colleagues told a different story.

"What gave it away, JJ?" Spencer snarked, a fire in his eyes, but it went as quickly as it came. "Sorry, I just... No, I'm not." JJ prompted him, and he continued, however reluctantly. "Do you remember Amanda?"

Of course she did. How could she forget? It wasn't that long ago. Just six months had passed since their terrifying trip to Texas, in which they'd investigated the rapes and murders of several men around the Hudson Street Hotel. The man in front of her seemed particularly affected by it at the time, no doubt drawing on the parallels between Adam Jackson and Tobias Hankel. Fortunately, Spencer had been able to prevent Adam's death, but the permanent damage was still clear.

His wavering voice dragged her back to the present. "I told the doctors there to let me know if there was any development. I got a call from them this morning."

"And?"

"She woke up one morning and was just... gone. Adam was sitting in his cell."

JJ smiled involuntarily, assuming that this was good news. But Spencer's eyes remained as hollow as ever. "What else happened?"

"He... he tried to kill himself, JJ. They say they don't know how he managed to do it. Apparently tried hanging himself; they stopped him just in time." He stopped, despite clearly wanting to continue. It appeared his innate nature, his care with words, was stopping him from saying what he wanted. "What if this was all pointless? If Adam wants to end his life, there's no way to stop him. Not fully. What if... what if Amanda was only permanently there because she knew what Adam wanted to do to himself?"

JJ's hand flew immediately to his arm; he softened into the touch. "Go wait at your car." He nodded, and JJ quickly ran back to Hotch's office.

"Hey, JJ? What's wrong?"

"Spencer been off all day, and I finally found out why. Adam finally took control over Amanda again, and he's apparently suicidal."

Hotch's brow furrowed. "Adam Jackson tried to kill himself? That doesn't sound right..."

"Look, sir, the doctors are all saying the same thing. I think it would be helpful if-"

"Sure, JJ. Just let me know when you'll be back." She nodded her thanks, and almost ran back out to Spencer's car. Her heart broke at the sight; Spencer's lanky frame wrapped around the outside of the car. His forehead rested on the roof of the car, and his entire body shook. When he heard JJ coming, he quickly stood straight and discreetly wiped his tears away on his sleeve.

But it wasn't discreet enough.

"Spencer." That word caused a shock in his system; she said his full name this time, rather than her affectionate nickname for him. His eyes darted everywhere but her face. "Come here." The two walked to the equidistant location between them, until they were mere inches away from each other. JJ looked up at him; their height difference was made null and void by the way he curled in on himself.

"Come here," she repeated, but in a vastly different context, as she wrapped her arms around his shuddering frame. Tears fell; JJ would be lying if she didn't say some of them were hers.

"I thought I'd saved him. What if I killed both of them?" Spencer referenced Tobias Hankel, confirming JJ's suspicions. He was _still_ guilty over Hankel's death, two years after the fact.

JJ didn't say anything, not having anything to say. What _could_ you say when you saw the most lovable man you'd met _so broken? _Eventually, after a few minutes, he pulled away, and JJ wiped off her shoulder, causing a laugh to escape him. "Sorry."

"It's okay, Spencer."

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow." He turned to enter his car, and she grabbed his arm.

"I don't think so, Spencer. Knowing you, you won't rest until you know that it's all okay. So we're going to sort that out right now."

Confusion sprung into his eyes, but JJ didn't afford him the chance to object, opening the passenger side door and buckling her seat-belt. "What about your car?" he asked, knowing that he wasn't going to be able to get her to move from her spot.

"Who's going to steal my car from here? It'll be fine. Come on, we're going to Texas, Spence. You can check on Adam there." Spencer smiled ruefully, and ducked his head underneath the door.

* * *

"We're here to see an Adam Jackson?"

"And who are you?"

"Dr. Reid and SSA Jareau." She could've offered Spencer's full title, but they would've been there for about four hours. The woman at the desk had been informed they were coming, anyway.

"Okay. Dr. Martin will come over and talk to you before you speak with him."

Dr. Martin was evidently a woman who waited for no introduction, as she came bustling over to the duo immediately. "Yes, I've been waiting for you. I understand the two of you were working on the case where you caught Amanda? Well," she continued, without waiting for an answer, "he's not in the best shape right now."

"Would anyone be?" Spencer mused, before turning red, evidently not meaning to say that out loud.

"I suppose not. We're not entirely sure what caused the... attempt, for want of a nicer term. In all respects, Amanda was relatively happy here. Clearly she didn't want to have control over Adam any longer, although we aren't sure why, or what changed. Adam is still restrained for the time being, unfortunately, but he seems far more subdued for now. We're hoping that this was a one-time thing."

The woman's seemingly endless tirade was really beginning to wear JJ down, and it was clear that Spencer was feeling the same way. "Can we speak to him now, please?"

They entered the room, and Spencer instinctively stood in front, seeing Adam's form on the floor. "Ama-" he stuttered, feeling odd speaking to Adam again. "Adam?"

"You can call me Amanda. If it's easier."

"But you're Adam, aren't you?" He nodded. "Why now, Adam?" It was an open question, referencing both the sudden nature of Adam's suicide attempt, and the sudden control that Adam seized.

"I... I d-don't know. I woke up and I was... not where I-I was before."

Spencer pursed his lips together, thinking. Something had changed about Adam, although he wasn't really sure what it was. He seemed more nervous and unsure of himself, if that was possible. And the way he structured sentences just seemed weird. He shook the feeling off; clearly Adam had bigger things going on. "Did Amanda let you back out?" Adam nodded. "Do you know why? Did she think that you were safe now? Because you've always been safe, Adam."

Spencer was reassuring himself more than he was reassuring Adam, and he suddenly wondered why he'd come here. Was there anything he could do that the doctors hadn't already done? He assumed that he would be able to use their past acquaintancy to build a bridge, but subconsciously he'd only thought they'd had a relationship due to how often he communicated with Amanda.

He didn't actually know Adam that well at all.

"JJ, this isn't helping."

JJ nodded, and wrapped her arm around his shoulder in a comforting gesture, sensing the lack of closure Spencer had with this outcome.

They escaped to their hotel, Spencer wrapping his emotions in the comforting blanket of JJ's warmth. She stayed by his side for the rest of the afternoon (except the time that he spent in the shower, although she'd cheekily offered, attempting to raise his spirits), and as it approached evening, Spencer began looking for something to take his mind off the events of the day.

"I already ordered Chinese. And forks."

"Appreciated."

"Now, the only thing left to do with our limited time off is to watch a shitty movie."

"Are we not a stereotype, at this point? Watch a bad movie in our pyjamas, eat take-out..."

"There's a reason that those are stereotypes. It's because they're really good fun."

"Yeah, sure." Spencer's statement came without real conviction, and after the food came and the movie started, JJ watched worriedly as his eyes glassed over, and he shut out the movie almost completely, undoubtedly thinking about his inability to truly connect with the person he'd struggled so long to rediscover.

She nearly said 'come here,' but figured that dialogue would be a little repetitive at that point. Instead, she shook his shoulder gently, and when he looked at her, she patted her thighs twice. Tentatively, he lay his head down on her lap, and her hands immediately went to his hair, stroking him softly. She felt his tense body give way to sleep, and she let her eyes drift similarly closed.

* * *

"Morgan, Rossi, Prentiss, let's go. We're heading to Texas."

"What, why? And where's JJ and Spencer?" Emily asked.

"That's why we're headed to Texas. Do you remember Adam Jackson? Or Amanda, for that matter? Adam Jackson came back, and tried to commit suicide." Hotch explained. Worry flooded everybody's eyes. "Talk while you're walking, we need to go."

"What's the rush, Hotch?"

"Spencer and JJ went over there immediately, to try and connect with Adam, or perhaps to offer Spencer some closure."

"JJ was the emotional support, I suppose."

"I figured she was best suited for the role."

"This still doesn't explain why we're leaving in such a rush."

"I just got news that Adam Jackson escaped from the facility he was staying in. Now, there's no guarantee that Spencer or JJ are in any danger, but I'm not going to take that chance. We'll do our profiling on the plane. We don't have to do as much, we still have the partial profile from when we last dealt with him, but things have changed, obviously."

Emily started the discussion off, as the plane ascended. "Well, we still have the same characteristics that he displayed before. Timid, submissive..."

Morgan interrupted her. "But is he anymore? I mean, he tried to kill himself. He escaped the rehabilitation facility. He was willing to take those risks. I don't think any of those actions would be represent by that sort of personality. This sounds much more like someone who is willing to take control, is more of an alpha personality."

Hotch's usually calm demeanour showed a small crack, as his eyes widened in panic. "It sounds like Amanda."

It was undeniable. Adam would never have had the courage or ability to do anything like this; in fact, the very reason that he had become Amanda was so that he _would_ have the courage. "So, what now?"

"We have to look at what Amanda would do, in her situation. Why now? What is her plan?"

"We have to assume it's malicious. Amanda has a temper, and she's intelligent. Either she finally got tired of life in the facility, wanted a way out..."

"Or something she was angry about has festered for too long, and she finally snapped." Rossi finished. "I'd chance that it's the second option, given what we know about Amanda. Her one purpose was to protect Adam, and she was able to do that perfectly fine where she was. There would be no reason to escape."

"So why is she angry?'

"Well, Amanda seduced men with her confidence and then raped them after tying them down. She was angry at the typical alpha male; the sort of guy that believed that they could get whatever they wanted." Emily hypothesised.

"But it wasn't like she had any chance to meet someone like that while she was in rehab. If she was angry at any of the doctors, she wouldn't have escaped. She would've just killed them."

"Then who's the only other person she's had the chance to see ever since she was caught?"

They knew the answer, but didn't say it, almost out of fear that saying it would make it more certain than it already was.

"Why would she be angry at him?"

"I don't know. But for whatever reason, that's festered until it became too much. My guess is that she knew Reid would fly over immediately after hearing about the 'suicide attempt', if it even was that. She knew he would have to stay somewhere, as well."

"This is the plan of someone who's had far too long to think about it. And before anyone asks, Garcia already tried to contact the police. They said that there wasn't really much they could do other than search for Amanda. They had no reason to suspect she would be after Reid."

"That's bullshit!" Morgan's expletive outlined the way they were all feeling; he was the only one who didn't have enough control over his emotions to stop it coming out. "We helped these guys out. They can't do us a favour?"

"Apparently not. We've got their hotel, the best we can do is hope that we get there before she does."

"How does JJ figure into Amanda's plans?"

"I'd rather not find out."

They spent the rest of the plane ride in silence, collecting their thoughts, and preparing themselves to infiltrate the hotel room that JJ and Spencer were staying at, and to face whatever they might see. They were off the plane almost before it had stopped moving; Hotch could almost hear Spencer's voice in his ear, complaining about his disregard for his own safety.

They jumped out the car and sprinted into the hotel, of which Garcia had provided the address. Stairs were the quicker option, so they ran up them, taking two at a time. They reached the room, and Hotch opened it silently.

Fortunately, no bodies lay strewn across the room. But it was very empty. Half-finished boxes of Chinese food lay strewn over the floor. The television was on; the title screen and music played, repeating every few seconds. But most damning were the items on the lounge. Two groups of clothing; one female, and one male.

"Hotch, maybe we shouldn't be here." Morgan attempted to make a play for his friends' privacy, but Hotch's concern outweighed privacy.

"No, something isn't right. Their clothes shouldn't be piled like this." A noise from the hallway stopped his thought process. He drew his gun out, walking into the hallway. He snuck a look into the room.

The only thing he could see was JJ. It was clear those were her clothes on the sofa, as she sat in a chair naked, her arms and legs strapped with duct tape, and a piece over her mouth to prevent her making any noise. She saw Hotch, and her eyes widened. She looked quickly to her left twice, and Hotch took the signal, moving quickly into the room, the rest of his team not far behind.

"FBI, Amanda. Don't do this." The sight that greeted them as they entered the room was horrific. Two more people were on the bed, namely Spencer and Amanda. Both were without clothing. Spencer lay face down on the bed, his limbs extended and tied down by lengths of rope. Amanda stood over him, and it was evident that they had arrived just in time to prevent penetration.

However, Amanda took advantage of their shock to grab a knife and hold it, point down, above Spencer's terrified form. "Amanda, stop!" Hotch shouted, and to his surprise, she did.

"Why should I? He never really cared about Adam, did he? He just wanted to ease his own guilt!" Spittle flew from Amanda's mouth, terrifying the agents. Even in her most violent moments, she'd never been this fueled with rage. "He's the reason I can't let Adam out again! He's the reason that we were both locked up! It's all fucking him!"

"Amanda, you know that isn't true!"

"DO I? Really?"

"Yes, you do! No matter what happened to you, you know he was just trying to help." Hotch coaxed her, while simultaneously taking cautious steps forwards. "You know that he felt so much sympathy for you, that he rushed over here just to make sure that Adam was okay." Amanda's hold over the knife was shaking; Hotch hoped that his method was working. "You know this. Because if you didn't know this, you would've plunged that knife into his back by now.

At this, Amanda grinned, which set a feeling in Hotch's stomach that was far worse than anything else he'd felt that day. "Maybe... I just wanted you to see."

Her hand plunged downwards.

Hotch fired a single bullet.

And blood seeped onto the bedspread, staining the perfect white colour.

* * *

Morgan contemplated sticking a hand onto the younger agent's shoulder, but figured that might scare him, and that was the last thing anyone needed. So he made his way around to Spencer's front, making sure he didn't alarm him. "Hey, kid."

"Hey." Spencer nodded, and even gave a small smile.

"I wish I knew what to say."

"I don't think there's anything that you could possibly say that would be socially acceptable. This one just ended... real shit."

This time, Morgan did place a hand on Spencer's shoulder. "Yeah. We can't win 'em all."

Spencer looked up at the sky. "Maybe we did win this one. Amanda performed her purpose to her death. She protected Adam from the cruelties of the world, even at her own death."

Morgan almost pointed out that she would have known that being killed would have resulted in the death of Adam, as well, but it wasn't his job to dispute Spencer's logic. If this was what it took for him to cope, he could have it. "Morgan, can I ask you something?"

"What's up, kid?"

"Do you know why she did what she did?"

"What do you mean? You were there, you heard her."

"Yeah, I just... I can't help but think that she didn't just want to protect Adam. Maybe after spending so much time out in the open, she developed her own motives."

"You're saying she stopped caring about Adam?" Morgan asked, surprised.

"No, not that. She obviously wanted to protect him for the rest of her life." He paused. "I think that by the end, it wasn't Amanda protecting Adam from the outside world. I think that it was Amanda stopping Adam from coming out, so she could achieve what she wanted. I think she found her own goals." He chuckled bitterly. "Shame it took me almost getting raped for her to achieve that. I just don't know what she wanted with JJ. I get drugging me and tying me down but... why tie JJ down too?"

"I guess she figured she wouldn't get another shot at this. She was already going to rape you; why not throw a little cuckoldism into the mix as well, right?" Morgan perched himself on the seat next to Spencer. "This might sound like a really stupid question, but... are you okay?"

"Yes, I think I am," Spencer answered, surprising even himself with his certainty.

"Well, then I think there's a certain blond agent who needs to hear that from you." Morgan nodded to JJ, who sat on the back of the ambulance, staring into space.

"You spoke to JJ?"

"No, I didn't but... come on, kid. She's in pieces. More so than you appear to be, weirdly. I think she's worried about you, honestly."

Spencer nodded, understanding what Morgan was saying, and walked off without another word. Morgan wasn't offended though, and he watched as Spencer sat down next to JJ. He watched as the frown on her face transformed into a small smile.

He saw the way the two agents stood up for each other, and hoped that they would be there for each other for years to come.


End file.
